A while back I published a post entitled War of the Whorls in which I discussed the serious dangers that people with more than one cowlick pose to society (click here for that post). My daughter, Baby E, is one of these people.
Multiple cowlicks/whorls are a sign of extreme afflictions that include cheekiness, moodiness, autisticness, badhairdayness, geniusness, naughtiness, and upallnightworryingbecauseofshitireadonlineness.
Some of you may be asking why I’m bringing this up again. I feel it is my duty to revisit this topic because at least once a day someone ends up on my blog because they searched for something like “baby double cowlick” or “double cowlick autism.” In fact, THE itty-bitty BLOGHORN comes up on the first page of those searches out of 129,000 and 24,300 google results respectively. This horrifies me. This leads me to believe that many of you parents have landed here because you think I might have some real answers up in this blizog.
Well, I’d be remiss if I didn’t inform you that I have absolutely none. But stick around because all is not lost…
Some of you are worried about things you’ve read online. You’re confused. You’re thinking, Why, God, why my child? You want revenge against these invisible giant-tongued cows that greedily licked your child’s downy soft hair two or three or even four times, and secretly transfused autism from their salivary glands into your child’s brain, which means it’s only a matter of time before you start observing the tell-tale signs. To seek vengeance, head to the nearest dairy farm and lick every single cow on the head in a circular motion (number of licks per cow should equal number of whorls on your child’s head, and lick directions must be alternated to achieve maximum level of retribution). Then scarf down 10 Saltines with peanut butter as fast as you can. I tried it and, trust me, the results were astounding.
Seriously, I’m really glad you ended up on my itty-bitty blog because, from one anxious parent to another, I strongly recommend you don’t research multiple cowlicks online, as all this will do is concern and confuse you further. Talk to your pediatrician. Talk to your cat. Make it a rule that every time you search for youknowwhat, you have to go lick a cow, or give up chocolate or, hell, send me $5.00. Actually, make it $10.00.
By the way, the day after I published my first post about Baby E’s double cowlick, my mom emailed me and said, “You know she got that from me, right?” My mother is not autistic. Several people I know have more than one cowlick. None of them are autistic. Besides, people have crazy beliefs about hair. For example, if you cut your hair while the moon is waning, it will likely fall out. If a girl/woman washes her hair while menstruating, she’ll get ill. And my personal favorite: If you let yourself believe that your child’s cowlicks are a sign of anything other than genetic misfortune, and signals anything other than a future filled with a shit-ton of bad hair days, all of your hair will fall out and weave itself into an evil monster ninja hairball in the shape of an evil monster ninja hairball, which will tickle your nosey until you’ve sneeze a thousand times.
Now that’s a bad hair day.