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Here is a picture of my daughter’s head: 

Notice anything strange? There are two hurricanes cowlicks/”hair whorls” instead of one. They swirl in opposite directions, like they’re about to crash into each other with battling centrifugal forces and possibly cause the end of civilization as we know it. Seriously, what does it all mean?! Double Rainbow Guy and I want answers.

As I sat down at my computer to find some answers, a mini version of my sister perched herself on my right shoulder. You really shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet for anything other than email and banking. Maybe not even banking, she stated bluntly from her pedestal. It’s f-ing hair, I retorted. C’mon, what could possibly be more benign? Then there was babycenter.com member, mamabear68, sitting on my left shoulder. Look little sis, she shot back confidently, the discussion forums are there to provide her with people’s personal experiences and opinions they have formed based on statements that may or may not be factual. But are all very important nonetheless. She has a point. I mean, I should be able to read whatever I want, and have the chance to use my exceptional deduction skills to distinguish between what is fact and what is someone’s idea of fact that in reality is no more true than shit that comes spewing out of Herman Cain’s mouth regarding his inappropriate and unwarranted sexual advances (and his ability to run this country).

My finger tips defiantly typed the words double cowlick into the Google search bar and the first drop-down to appear was double cowlick autism. I felt my tiny sister cross her tiny legs. See, what did I tell you?! Mamabear68 quickly responded, She has the right to research what is going on with her chi– [Kablam!] She hit the floor from my shove before she could finish her harangue. I felt much lighter after that.

It’s disturbing comforting to know that so many people think they know what they’re talking about and are willing to share false useful information on the internet. I have compiled my own list of some early signs of autism and will share them here. On the internet. Because I care.

Besides double hair whorls, the following physical characteristics signify that your child most definitely probably has autism:

  • fat legs
  • large eyes
  • sticky-outie ears
  • sausage-like fingers
  • an unusually wide tongue
  • a devious grin
  • a Buddha-type belly
  • clogged tear ducts
  • slow-growing hair
  • unruly hair

Also, your child almost certainly maybe has autism if she/he exhibits any of the following behaviors:

  • starts crawling late
  • starts crawling early
  • skips crawling altogether
  • starts talking early
  • starts talking late
  • stares at bright lights
  • picks nose more than once per hour
  • farts more than 7 times per day
  • grunts while pooping
  • loves brussel sprouts
  • cries upon waking
  • hums to self
  • squeals randomly
  • likes to suck on beer bottles
  • swallows buttons

If you observe any of these in your baby or toddler, start. panicking. right. fucking. now. Once your hands are no longer shaking uncontrollably, get on the internet and share your knowledge with others so that they may be ill well-informed. Do it for the children.

It turns out that that double cowlicks are not only a sign of autism, but also of ADD and, wait for it, left-handedness. Look, I can totally deal with any kind of neuro-atypical issues my daughter may or may not have but if she develops this serious condition of so-called left-handed syndrome, mark my words: we will take swift action. We’re planning on enrolling her in a special program that turns people who are plagued with left-handedness back into their innate state of right-handedness. It’s called Right is Righter.

And last but not least I discovered that in some cultures, including Chinese and Japanese, children with double hair whorls are purported to be swirling, spirally messes of naughtiness. Human hurricanes, or humanicanes, if you will. With age come higher levels of destruction and peril so look out because there might be one about to strike under your own roof. I’m looking into the eye of one right now and I am very, very afraid.